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TANTRA FOR MEN

I have written about this before but feeling really called to address it again – so here I am.

Men can face a lot of worry and anxiety around sex, I work with this energy alot. Many often worry about the size of their lingam and suffer anxiety around their performance in bed. They can often feel as much pressure to perform in the bedroom, as they do in other areas of their life. 

For men sex and intimacy can become a very masculine power-based, goal orientated energy. Alongside this they may also worry about feeling too sexual and to sexually driven. They can suffer anxiety around understanding their sexual needs, fantasies and desires. 

Sex and intimacy can create a lot of stress, tension and anxiety for men. There is often a constant internal and external pressure which is exhausting and draining. I have worked with men where this pressure around size, ability and performance has had devastating effects on their mental, physical and sexual well-being. It has created so much stress, anxiety and tension in their life that many of them have become very ill and/or had repeated failing relationships.   

When we introduce tantra into a ‘mans’ world we can celebrate the divine masculine power in a new way. Within tantra a man has permission to connect to his inner self, the five senses, breathing, slowing down, relaxing, giving and receiving pleasure. When a man is given permission to let go of control they can discover intimacy in flow, and without ego. They can become more connected to a journey of discovery and less connected to a destination through performance.

In tantra the beautiful macho powerhouse has permission to let ego step aside. He can find a space to be present with himself and ‘what is’. There is no need to control, and no need to always be the giver. He has permission to surrender and receive, which I acknowledge for many men is not always easy. 

Within tantra men can learn how to relax, slow down and be confident with their body. In tantra men can learn how to set aside their ego, let anxieties simply melt away, and enjoy the moment. They can learn how to receive pleasure and surrender to what is in each moment. They can drop the traditional ego based, performance focused powerhouse energy, as it is not required. 

Tantra can help men build an amazing connection to their body, energy and emotions. They can become more intimate in their connection with themself, and with others. It can help men who may feel insecure, have low self-worth and feel stressed. It can also help with low libido, performance anxiety and low body image. Tantra can help reduce stress, help manage emotions, and help relax mind and body. It can release any unwanted energy and trauma, and can be enlightening in showing many of the beautiful possibilities intimacy and pleasure has to offer. . 

I have worked with men and tantra and seen men connect to something within them they never knew existed. Their power found in their very willingness to surrender to themself. 

I have worked with men who have realised they don’t have to chase life because they are life. Men who have found compassion, love and truth within their own being. 

I have worked with men who have expanded their heart energy so much that life as they knew it changed beyond all recognition. Men who knew there was a different way, and found it. 

When a man opens himself up to tantra, when a man can give himself permission to receive into his mind, body and soul, when a man is open and willing to come home to himself, when a man can be vulnerable with his emotions and be present with an experience, that for me is indeed a mighty and powerful man. 

Copyright © 2022 Shelki (trading as Orgasmic Life).

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THE BENEFITS OF TANTRIC MASSAGE

There are many misconceptions about tantra and tantric massage, which are all largely based on cultural restrictions and taboos around sexual energy. Many people view connecting with sexual energy through massage as something very seedy. 

The truth is, tantric massage includes more than just massage. It aligns breathwork, meditation, mindfulness, movement and touch can be an amazing experience.  For me personally, and for many of my clients, tantric massage has been both liberating and healing. It helped me to reconnect, reset and realign my body and my sexual energy and really come home to myself in a deep and profound way. The impact it had on my life was such that I trained and now work as a tantric massage practitioner.

Tantric massage connects you to your mind, body, soul and even beyond into the universe. It caresses the core essence of our sexual energy, and holds space for your life force, and the very centre of your existence.

Tantra itself is not a new thing,  it is believed to have existed since 1500 BC. Many say it is considered to be part of the oldest cultures in our history. I believe that connecting to tantric principles through tantric massage is the most beautiful, honouring and self-connecting experience you can gift yourself.

Many people think tantric massage ends in the act of sex but this is not true. The journey is not based around any destination. It connects you to the core of your sexual energy by creating layers of awareness in the body. It works with the senses, and the mind ,and therefore can indeed feel very sensual. It also connects you into your emotions which in turn awakens different layers of the soul, and sensations in the body. 

Tantric massage sessions can include many things such breathwork, meditation, mindfulness, movement and touch. The breathwork supports you to relax into the space and expand your energy. Breathwork with meditation and mindfulness support you to be more connected and present with your body. The movement and touch also connect you to your energy centres and expands your feelings and emotions aligning you with your inner compass of wellbeing and physical health. There are also embodiment practices that support the session and used to help move energy and release limitations and blocks in your energy centres. 

A FEW BENEFITS OF TANTRIC MASSAGE 

  • Awakens and heals sexual energy 
  • Encourages sleep through relaxation 
  • Touch and massage relieve stress and anxiety 
  • Reduces depression through relaxation 
  • Improves self-confidence 
  • Improves body-confidence 
  • Greats inner happiness and blissful pleasure (happy hormones) 
  • Recharges and energises the body and mind  
  • Heals locked trauma in the body 
  • Teaches about touch and connection 
  • It can reduce high blood pressure 
  • The actual massage supports the lymphatic system, eases muscle tension and relaxes the body 
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The Male Body And Tantra

As human-beings, we are all designed for connection. We all seek a connection with other human-beings as a baby and child, and continue to do so throughout our entire adult life. Connection can come in many different forms; sexual connection is just one form. 

For some men, sexual connections can be very overwhelming.  There is a lot of pressure on men (and to be fair on all of us) to conform to the societal and cultural expectations around sex and intimacy. This, along with some distorted values and morals from our upbringing, a lack of good sex education, broken and abusive relationships, and many other factors, I believe men are currently confused about their role as a man, in and out of the bedroom.

With all the above in mind, what often happens to men, is they learn to connect with intimacy and sex as a sexual process, rather than a sensual experience. For many men, sex is a learned behaviour  (through the media etc) that comes from their head, instead of their heart.  It can be surrounded in masculine ego and macho culture, so it comes as no surprise that men receive so many mixed messages about sexuality, sexual energy, and how to show up as a man.  

Many of the men I meet and have worked with through my tantra work want something different. They generally want to leave ego at the door, be more connected to themselves, be more present with life and more connected to the experience of pleasure. Many of men I work with want to learn about connection and many long for some aspect of allowing, receiving and surrendering, whatever that may look like for them.

Men, hear me, please listen. Intimacy and pleasure are a heart-based experience, NOT a head-based experience.  The problem comes in that the pressure and focus on sex being a ‘performance’ is making some men ill.  It does not help that a man’s genitals are more exposed,  external and visitable, which in many ways can make them feel very vulnerable. The visibility of the genitals can create anxiety, tension and stress within the body and the mind. There can be a sense of pressure to be a certain size, have a healthy erection, and maintain it. There is a fear of being judged if things unfold too quickly or too slowly.

All of the pressures from upbringing, size, and performance can create stress, anxiety, depression and low self-esteem. This in turn can cause erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation and other conditions.  

Tantra invites you to grow in consciousness and be more connected to intimacy, full body orgasms, better health, and more energy. It advocates empowerment, self-connection and conscious communication with self and others.  This deeper consciousness can be achieved through greater connection to the senses, breathwork, mindfulness, self-awareness and generally a more conscious connection to self. Tantra is about surrendering and being present in your body at every moment. It is being connected to yourself as a man and letting go of the ego and macho energy that does not serve you. Tantra connects you to your feelings, your sensuality, your body, your passion, your intuition and your inner wisdom. For some men, this can sound very ‘fluffy’ and very feminine, but know when you drop the judgement, and embrace the experience, magic can happen in ways you never imagined were possible. Tantra provides a new way of experiencing intimacy and pleasure and provides a doorway to a conscious connection to self and others.

If you are a man who would like to explore tantra, why not join me on the ‘Tantra for the Male Body’ workshop and other events listed on www.orgasmiclife.me

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BEDROOM CONFIDENCE

Supporting people with confidence in the bedroom has become a key part of the work I do. Lacking bedroom confidence can have a devastating impact on relationships, marriages and I have seen it shatter lives. I have coached and mentored singles and couples alike to help them turn their lack of confidence into something that makes them flourish, in all areas of their lives.

Like many areas around intimacy and pleasure, a lack of confidence in the bedroom is not something openly talked about. The truth is, it is something that most of us face at some point in our lives. It maybe in our teens when we are embarking on new a relationship and more commonly in our adult years.

We can lack or lose bedroom confidence for many different reasons, such as, not having effective knowledge, being worried about our performance, verbal or physical abuse, challenges around communication, being naked, poor previous experiences; the list goes on.

This lack of confidence can become a vicious cycle as it can lead to reduced sexual response, reduced desire and the inability to orgasm. You may then suffer with low sex drive, sexual dysfunction, sexual arousal disorder and orgasmic disorder. This can create stress, judgement, fear and anxiety which can have a knock-on effect in other areas of your life.

The emotions attached can cause depression, anxiety and stress and in turn impact on your physical health. You can become disconnected, and experiencing any kind of pleasure in life can feel overwhelming.

Personally, I have struggled both in my youth and in some stages of adult life. At times I found it hard to communicate my needs, wants and desires and have been challenged by key events in my life which have knocked my confidence in the bedroom. As I have got older, my connection to intimacy and pleasure has evolved and exploring new things with a partner has, in the past, come with new obstacles to overcome. When you have a greater understanding of why you lack bedroom confidence, and how you can change it, there is a ripple effect through all areas of your life.

Taking supportive and aligned action to build bedroom confidence can change your whole life and give you a whole new perspective on intimacy.
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CONSCIOUS COMMUNICATION AND CONSENT.

Conscious communication and consent can be complex and I can pretty much guarantee every single human-being, no matter who they are, finds navigating them a challenge throughout their entire life. 

The issue is that we don’t always know what we want and if we do we don’t have the interpersonal skills to ask for it. We don’t always know how to say “no” or navigate communication about our needs, both in intimacy and life. 

Take some time to consider the following questions:

Do you ask family and friends, including children, if they would like to receive a hug before you hug them?

Have you ever been hugged by someone at work and not wanted it?

Has someone ever touched your hand, arm or face and it made you feel uncomfortable?

Have you ever wanted to say no in intimacy and not said it?

Have you ever wanted to stay stop in the act of sex but didn’t  in case you offended? 

I know there will be many YES’s because the understanding around conscious communication and consent is NOT something we are born with. We learn it from early childhood modelling our interactions on those around us.  Many of us don’t take action to learn this skill and use it in our life to have heathier relationships. 

My awakening around conscious communication and consent really started when I started to explore swinging and BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism). I made some poor choices within these lifestyles, sometimes putting myself into some risky situations. I made some very naive and awful mistakes around conscious communication and consent 

I learnt very quickly that I needed to approach my interactions differently, communicate differently and be empowered in consent.  I went through a very steep learning curve very quickly.  It was a challenging part of my journey and one that left many scares on an emotional and physical level. 

Conscious communication and  consent are needed for EVERY relationship we navigate in life. It is the basis of every positive human interaction and relationship. It forms the foundations for all good healthy relationships and impacts on all areas of life.

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Communicating During Intimacy

Talking about your likes and dislikes in life is quite easy until it comes to talking about intimacy. Many of us find it hard to express what we want in intimacy because we don’t want to upset or offend the person we are with. We might be worried about being rejected and can find it difficult and awkward to talk about what we want.Despite it being difficult to talk about, it is very important to be able to express ourselves in intimacy. Talking about things before, during, or afterwards can greatly improve the experience and also help explore boundaries and consent.

Communication Tips

Be patient and understanding when exploring and try not to make anyone feel inadequate.

Be positive in sharing instead – focus on how you do want to explore rather than creating a list of dont’s.

Be clear about what you want, so your partner does not have to second guess or try to read your mind

Support a partner and guide their hands on your body and show them how and where you want to be touched.

Agree to always hold space for the other to say no to anything you don’t feel comfortable with, without judgment

Be open to new things and don’t judge a partners interests or desires when they share – We are creative human beings.

Tell your partner if you’re hurting or in pain. Honour them and yourself by being honest.

 

 

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Erectile Dysfunction

Having a condition that challenges his masculinity and his power, strength, control and vigour can be devastating. I have worked with many men who have suffered with erectile dysfunction and many have said it is in many ways worse than a marriage break up or losing a job. It impacts on not what they are but who they are. As a woman, I have no equivalent or comparison to arousal, orgasm and penetrative sex being all centred around having a hard penis. I don’t feel my sexual identify is judged on my sexual arousal or the physical structure of my genitals.

For me as a woman these things do not determine my pleasure or my performance.  For a man this is very different.  Erectile dysfunction challenges men’s masculinity and causes a lot of anxiety, fear and shame. Some men try medical approaches such as Viagra, penile implants or vacuum devices or other more alternative approaches such as hypnosis and acupuncture. These approaches can often be found to alter the stiffness, but don’t address the deeper issues around connection to self, mind-set, behaviour and self-awareness. They don’t address the energy or the cause.  From an energy perspective, erectile dysfunction is based around the emotion of guilt and shame and a lack of connection with the penis.

Energetically this can be linked to a number of things.

Examples include:

  • Unconscious thoughts and connections relating to childhood.
  • Relationships that challenge performance in any area life.
  • Relationships that challenge Feeling of being unsuccessful.
  • Feeling of weakness, guilt and shame when connecting to feminine qualities
  • Feel invalidated as a man.
  • Feeling a failure if/when their energy is controlled by the feminine.
  • Feeling that they can’t break away from a situation for fear of having no connection.
  • Feeling disconnected from being able to express themselves in sex.
  • Needs, wants and desires are challenged.

A combination of tantric massage, mindfulness, breath work, energy work and coaching can help change this.  As a practitioner I use the Energy Alignment Method and other energy modalities to help people change thoughts and beliefs and tantric massage and mindfulness to help reconnect back to the body. The emotions can be triggered at any time and can detach us from our body and cause dis-ease. These tools explore the energy behind the condition and help change the anatomical make up that causes such physical conditions.  If you would like to know more about how Shelki supports men with erectile dysfunction please email: info@shelki.com

 

 

 

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Men Deserve Better !

MASCULINITY– the way men are brought up to behave and the roles, attributes and behaviours that society expects of them – contributes to suicide in men.

SAMARITANS REPORT, ‘Men and Suicide

This statement is from a 2012 report by the Samaritans – BUT things have not changed. Samaritans in 2018 reported men are 3 times as likely to die from suicide than women and this has to STOP NOW!

Please lets STOP the message that showing your emotions is for girls and not manly. Lets STOP the message that ‘boys don’t cry’ and that they have to ‘man up’. These messages destroy lives.

As many of you know I work in transforming sexual energy through tantric massage and energy work. I work with both men and women in tantric massage and work on a deep level allowing clients to connect to their physical and energetic body. It is a beautiful honouring massage with rituals, meditations and breath work.

As energy moves through the body clients can experience a range of emotions and feelings. For some men this can be very new territory and feel scary. A lot of my male clients find it difficult to explain, express and communicate what they are feeling. They struggle to go deep inside and don’t always have the language to explain what they find when they get there. They get embarrassed if they get emotional and verbalise they need to ‘be a man’ and ‘stay in control’, ‘be strong’ and if they don’t they loose part of your masculinity – this has to change NOW!. it’s WRONG

The most amazing and strongest men I have met are those connected to their emotions. They show their vulnerability and express their feelings. They are empowered, and don’t hide behind sport, work and sex as a way of expressing and letting their emotions out. They can be a man, be vulnerable and be connected to who they are. All at the same time.

For those of you thinking things have changed. WRONG.

Please comment and share your thoughts, insights and tips and please post an emoji if its something you will support to change with men you know !

OUR MEN DESERVE BETTER !!!