For years, I thought health was about ticking the “right” boxes: eating well, exercising, drinking water, getting enough sleep. And while all of that is important, I eventually learned something most of us are never told, true health is deeply tied to sex, intimacy, and how safe we feel to be seen, touched, and loved.
It took me decades to figure this out. I lived a double life for over 20 years, hiding parts of myself in shame and secrecy. By day, I was a respected teacher. By night, I was exploring sexuality, swinging, kink, and BDSM….while battling crushing feelings of guilt and self-judgment. That internal conflict didn’t just affect my emotions. It showed up in my body. My health, my energy, even my ability to rest was impacted by the stress of not feeling free to be myself. Looking back now, I can see that my body was speaking to me the whole time. I just wasn’t listening.
The Stories Our Bodies Hold
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned through my own healing and in supporting others is this: the body never lies. We carry our unspoken stories in our muscles, our breath, our posture, even in our organs. I’ve worked with women who have struggled with pelvic pain for years, only to discover it was linked to shame they’d carried since childhood. I’ve seen men battling erectile difficulties not because of “age” but because vulnerability felt terrifying.
I’ve lived this too. The moments of numbness, disconnection, or shutting down weren’t random. They were my body’s way of saying, “Lorraine, something here needs attention.”
Intimacy as a Mirror
Sex and intimacy act like a mirror, reflecting how safe we feel in our own skin. And here’s the truth: if you’re holding fear, shame, or unresolved trauma around intimacy, it doesn’t just stay in the bedroom. It echoes through the whole nervous system.
If intimacy feels unsafe, the body often goes into hypervigilance…always on guard. If connection feels overwhelming, the body may shift into shutdown…numb, disconnected, and closed off. Neither state is “wrong.” They’re simply survival strategies. But over time, they take a toll. Chronic tension, fatigue, anxiety, depression, and even illness can follow when intimacy is bound up with fear.
The Silent Costs of Disconnection
We don’t often talk about it, but the cost of disconnection is huge. Loneliness alone has been shown to increase mortality risk on par with smoking. Add sexual shame, rejection, or trauma into the mix, and the nervous system can live in a constant state of stress.
I know this personally. During the years I kept my sexuality hidden, I was exhausted, anxious, and constantly battling self-doubt. My body was carrying the weight of secrecy. It wasn’t until I began to address my relationship with intimacy—learning to release shame, embrace my sexuality, and connect authentically—that my health began to shift. That’s why I say: intimacy challenges are not just “relationship issues.” They are health issues.
Breaking the Silence
So how do we begin to change this? First, we must break the silence. For many of us, sex and intimacy are the last areas we want to look at….too vulnerable, too messy, too much shame. But here’s the thing: what we avoid holds the most power over us.
Start by asking yourself:
- Where do I feel tension, numbness, or shutdown in intimacy?
- What beliefs about sex did I inherit from my family, culture, or religion?
- Do those beliefs help me thrive, or do they keep me small?
- Do I feel safe to express what I truly need and desire?
These questions aren’t always comfortable, but they are liberating. The moment we name what has been hidden, we invite healing to begin.
The Body Remembers, but It Also Heals
Here’s the beautiful truth: the body remembers, but it also heals. The same body that carries shame, pain, or trauma also carries the capacity for joy, pleasure, and connection. I’ve witnessed people reclaim parts of themselves they thought were lost forever. I’ve experienced it myself….the transformation that happens when you move from shame into empowerment, from fear into freedom. Healing doesn’t always start in the mind. Often, it begins in the body, through breathwork, movement, touch, or simply allowing yourself to feel what you’ve suppressed for too long. With compassion, patience, and the right support, the nervous system learns it is safe to soften, safe to connect, safe to love.
And when that happens, health improves. Sleep deepens. Energy rises. Symptoms ease. Life feels richer.
A New Definition of Health
To me, true health is not just the absence of disease. It’s the freedom to live fully, to love deeply, to express yourself without shame, and to connect authentically….body, mind, and heart.
Yes, eat the greens, go for the run, get your eight hours of sleep. But don’t forget the part of health that happens in the bedroom, in the moments of intimacy, and in the ability to feel safe in your own body.
Because sometimes the most important medicine is not found in a pill or a diet plan. Sometimes it’s found in the courage to listen when the bedroom speaks.
